steinbeck days...

about 7 years ago i started reading "east of eden" by john steinbeck. i'd always been a steinbeck fan, but for some reason had always avoided this particular novel. as i read it, it was kind of painful. for years i'd discussed my actions towards my father as being similar to our dog's. mom and us kids were the ones who fed and took care of the mutt, but the slightest bit of attention from dad made him ecstatic. dad hardly saw the dog, didn't really like him, was the one who set the rules that restricted the animal, but it was dad that the dog loved. not us, the ones who ran and chased him, played games with him, snuck him treats... and at that point in time in my life, when i was looking back over my childhood and realizing that i'd made alot of my plans for adulthood based on a need to win my father's attention and affection i thought of that dog alot. odd that at that same point, i started reading "east of eden". basically it discusses alot of the same themes. and while it was hitting close to home and causing some discomfort, i couldn't put it down. it took me forever to read it, i'd read ten or twenty pages sometimes and have to walk away from it, but eventually i got through it. and in the ended, it ended up being a huge source of comfort. it didn't necessarily make me feel like less of an idiot, or tell me how to stop seeking out that constant fraternal approval, or even give me a root cause of the behavior, but it at least showed me that it was pretty common across the human scene, i was far from the first to behave in this manner, and wouldn't be the last.

(getting sidetracked here) i used to find myself driving in different parts of the country late at night for some reason, and i used to love to listen to lovelines. basically for the same reason. a) you always felt better when you heard the really screwed up people calling in and b) it was just amazing how so many people just fell into basic groups and had similar problems. we're nowhere near as individual as we like to think we are...

anyways, back to the story. we got a new individual on the ground today. he came and started talking to me. "okay, i'm going to want to know how many of this and this and this we have, and where they're distributed and what's going on with this and this and this. i like being the go-to guy. when the boss has a question, i like being able to answer it immediately and i like being able to make sound suggestions to solve problems"... and the steinbeck feeling came back. "huh, gee jackass, do you think maybe OTHER people like that feeling as well? maybe we like the little pats on the head and the 'good job' from the boss?" it was just kind of funny, because it really came out of nowhere. jealousy is just a weird, weird thing. who knows what is going to trigger it and why?