third post of the day...

Jim McKee posted last week about flirting with someone and making their day. It's amazing what a kind gesture can do for someone.

The first exposure to this that I can remember came at an early age. My dad was restoring a 1950 Cheverolet convertible and was looking for parts. We went to a classic car swap meet and he'd ask this guy or that guy about parts. One of the guys he talked to was an old coot who started rambling on and on about stuff that we'd already heard about all day. No new information was relayed. Being the easily bored kid that I was, as soon as we were out of earshot I started complaining. Dad cut me off and told me that it had cost him nothing but time to sit there and listen to the old guy ramble on, and that the old guy probably left the experience feeling pretty good about himself and how he'd really helped that young kid get parts for his car.

We had several other conversations like this over the years, and the gist of them all was basically that if you can just let someone feel like they're helping you, or if you can say something truely nice about someone, why not? The worst it'll cost you is a little bit of time, and maybe a little embarrassment but you can totally make the difference in someone's outlook of their whole day.

I'm shy by nature with strangers by nature, so it's hard for me to practice this. And it's easy to get out of the habit. I get so wrapped up in myself, pondering the lint in my bellybutton and feeling bad about how life's kicked me that I forget to look around me. But if I see a guy driving a car I like, I try to make a point to tell him so. It's fun to watch their chest puff out a little and the swagger they get when they walk away. Sometimes if they're just climbing into the car, they'll chirp the tires a little and toot the horn with a wave.

One of the times that sticks out foremost in my mind is from way back in the college days. In one of my classes there was a slightly older woman. Not old by any stretch, but not the normal 18 years old drunken college kid either. It was an evening class and she'd come rushing in, invariably a little late from work. A beautiful woman but she always looked a little frazzled. We did group work in that class and the poor woman got paired off with some of the dumber/lazier people in the class and you could tell she was really the one that pulled the whole project together. The class was a philo class, so there was some group discussion and I always enjoyed debating her. She was quick. That class ended and the next semester I had her in a poli sci course. Pretty much the same routine. Always late, always looked way overworked and underpaid. And always one of the ones who contributed most to the class. The last day of that class the instructor left the room for some reason and we started comparing schedules and making chit chat. all of a sudden there was a little more spark to her. she seemed really severe and focused in class and in the debates and this just kind of rounded her out more and made her more of a person. She made mention of being exhausted and a little worn down from the schedule of school and work. As we were leaving the building I remembered thinking that she was a pretty neat woman and Dad's advice rang in my ears, so I told her how much I'd enjoyed having her in both of the classes. That she'd taken two classes that had the potential to be extremely boring and had made them kind of interesting because of our arguments and her point of view and I hoped she hadn't thought that I was picking on her because I so frequently countered something she'd say.

The effect was amazing. She just stopped, looked at me for a few seconds and started laughing. Said that she pretty much looked forward to debating with me in class and frequently came up with arguments that she maybe didn't fully believe in just to see how I'd respond. But the smile and widened, less tired eyes were worth it. She ended up being one of my best friends for years. She is a smart, funny woman with tons of common sense who has given me great advice over the years. I miss her, but as so often happens life intervened and we lost contact.

The funny thing about taking that extra moment to say something nice is how often people aren't expecting it and don't know how to respond to it. Guys look at you funny, like you're a salesperson trying to make an opening. Girls automatically assume you're hitting on them. General conversation between strangers seems to be so rare in the cities these days that it just shocks people. The girl I mentioned above made a quick point to mention her husband just to let me know she was married when I first said that to her. It's really sad how much we've walled ourselves off from one another.

P.S. I meant to write this on Friday. But what kind of strikes me today as I'm writing this is the 9/11 thing. Courtney asked the question "Where were you, and how will you remember?" on her blog. I had originally said that I'd remember it by thinking of the guys who are deployed, but I think the other thing I'm going to try and do is get back into the habit of saying nice things. It was kind of neat how after 9/11 we were a country united, and sad how just 5 years later we're so quick to attack each other again, based on sexual preference, political affiliations, etc. I'm going to go back out and try to get that community feel back in my little corner of the world.