normally i follow the party line and say that i have no regrets, that there's nothing i'd change, that all the things i've done in the past make me who i am today. the reality though, is that that's not quite true. i do regret all the different times i've hurt people, even if they didn't know it. the lies over the years, the gossip, letting someone down, whatever. i try to be a good person but there have definately been moments of weakness.

i was talking to someone the other day and they were able to rattle off so many details from their past. i can't do the same thing. i don't remember the names of so many different people i went to school with, or the teachers' names or anything. but one person i can't forget is charlotte. my first kiss.

i wasn't a popular kid in school. no self confidence, gawky and awkward. an easy target. or so it felt. i'm sure in hindsight everyone was teased just as much as i was, but that's not the way it seemed at the time. at the time it seemed like i could blame it on so much. mom and dad sending us to a private school with a bunch of rich kids in j.c. penny and sears clothes instead of the brand name stuff. being the new kids in a class with only 98 other kids in it who'd grown up together all their lives. being funny looking, just finding out i was going to have to wear glasses, whatever. it just was what it was though, and not that bad. but the normal teenage angst made it seem worse...

there were a couple girls i crushed on. the same ones everyone else did. the gorgeous, rich, snobby ones who wouldn't notice me. the beautiful, sweet, non-snobby ones who were so deeply entrenched in relationships that they'd notice me, but only as a friend. and then there was charlotte. she was kinda like me. not one of the popular ones. and for some reason she liked me.

my little sister was in the band. that's a big thing for small schools in the south. every weekend there was a band competition someplace in the state. (my parents definately loved us, giving up every single weekend to drive all over the state and deal with the politics of it). it was fun. the whole saturday spent with the gang. one time me and a couple of my friends were on the bus. someone was getting something out of a bag, or it was fall and cold and we were just trying to stay warm or hiding out from our parents. charlotte and her friends came on the bus. i was sitting on the back of one of the seats and as she walked by she gave me a shove in the chest and pushed me over. i struggled to get up and next thing i knew she was sitting in the seat and my head was in her lap and she was kissing me and stroking my hair.

i have to say, as far as first kisses go, it was great. if anyone would've been waiting for me to make the move for the first kiss, as much of a weinie as i am, we'd still be waiting for it. it was soft, sweet and great. she smelled great, felt great and looking up at her...

so we dated forever and lived happily ever after? or at least through prom? no. not so much. why? because. i was a dork. people made fun of her. people made fun of me. i wasn't strong enough to date her and risk the additional ridicule that i thought might happen. i was too concerned about what everyone else would think, when in reality they probably wouldn't have thought about it at all...

it's a shame too. there's other charlotte stories. one where she definately raised some eyebrows and turned me into a stud. at least in the eyes of the band kids. but i was still too weak.

i moved a couple years later, part way through the 10th grade. senior year a friend got word to me that she died.

blah. yeah. there's some regrets.