they say the human body doesn't remember pain or discomfort...

... as a survival mechanism. that you remember the concept of pain, but that you can't recreate the feeling for the sake of memory. i don't know how true this is, but it's interesting to think about sometimes. today we were loading pallets and doing our customs inspections. we were out in the sun for five or six hours, worked through breakfast and lunch and sweated like crazy. i didn't even notice it until it was over and we were headed back to the house. then i saw how shakey i was, even though i'd been drinking water and how ravenous i was. it was weird to run my fingers through my hair and feel all the salt deposits, in my hair, on my face and in my temples, on my skin. while i remember the numbers of the heat from last summer, some of the concrete feelings of discomfort had been forgotten in just six months.

so we cleared customs. that was our last big hurdle before leaving. we're doing an awards ceremony tomorrow, which is really a little depressing because alot of people are taking awards very seriously. yesterday at customs it was weird to watch the guys who just sit around and do absolutely nothing while everyone is working. it was a great little micro-view of this entire last year. the true leaders popped out within minutes of hitting the ground. barking orders and getting the job done. the true followers jumped and ran, but never took initiative to do anything on their own. they were happy to have it broken down for them and to do exactly what they were told, but they've done this so many times that they shouldn't need that constant supervision. and then the newly promoted sergeants, who thought it was now their right to stand back and watch everyone else work. that they'd earned the right to take a supervisory role. not realizing that they didn't know shit about the job to be able to supervise it effectively or that many people senior to them were in there busting knuckles and getting dirty building the pallets up. and then the guys who've been deadweight the entire time we've been here. who made no attempt to help, hid behind their rank and just watched. sucked down water and complained about how long it was taking, while doing nothing to actively speed the process up.

there's a pecking order to the army awards system. and there shouldn't be. you read the books and regulations and they clearly lay out the requirements for each award. but because humans are involved the whole system gets quite f'ed up. in afghanistan all officers were submitted for a bronze star medal. that's a fairly weighty award. it was an automatic thing. enlisted had to be e-8 or above to be submitted for the same award automatically, and e-7 or below had to have extreme justifications to get their submission for bronze star approved. according to the manual, that's not the way it's supposed to be. the award decision is supposed to be based on merit. and what they're saying there, is that the officer's sacrifice is greater than the enlisted? that it's harder for an officer to be away from friends and family for a year than it is that poor dumb private? or just because someone is an officer they automatically make a bigger contribution to the war effort? their power point slides do more to win the war than the guy who keeps water stocked so that nobody passes out from dehydration? the reality (in my mind at least) is that not everyone over here deserves an award. the crap about giving out promotions and awards just for showing up and doing our job is insane. i have uncles who were doing serious, serious things in vietnam and came home without medals. by now they're probably eligible for some south east asia campaign medal, but that's way to late. all the army is doing now is cheapening the awards and spitting in the eye of those that came before us.

anyways, this wasn't supposed to be sour grapes. we're through customs, we're doing the ceremony and we're going home very, very soon! it's just funny, alot of people have said "man, i bet you're happy to be going home" or "i bet you're thrilled this is almost over", but the reality is i wasn't. a large part of me wanted to stay here. but after the last three weeks of consolidating all of us into one location, and seeing all the pettiness and bickering coming about, it's really putting a sour end on the tour. so it's time to go home.