... if you've read some of my earlier blogs, you know that i believe happiness is in the little things. a pain-free run when the temp and humidity is just right, waking up in the middle of the night and realizing you can go back to sleep for hours, a motorycle ride, sneaking out and watching a movie by myself in the middle of the day, a cold bottle of bohemia beer and some great mexican food, a good book... the list goes on and on. i think you have to be able to make yourself happy and you do that by achieving a balance in your life. setting goals to challenge yourself with, so that in the effort of reaching those goals you're stretching yourself and pushing your limits and hitting those milestones and getting that "accomplishment high" and also taking time to enjoy the little things in life. i don't think money = happiness, but i do think lack of money can = unhappiness. same with love and faith. it's all about the balance of all of these things.
the balancing act is what kicks my ass though. i don't make myself miserable by searching for some BIG form of bliss. but there are little things that gnaw at the back of my brain and keep me up at night. hateful things that scurry away when i try to shine the light on them. things that haze my vision when i look at myself in the mirror in the morning. and make my heart heavy sometimes. guilt? unrest? i don't know. is it happiness i'm looking for? fulfillment? something to complete me? a sense of purpose? i don't know.
the minute-to-minute of army life doesn't make me happy. there were times in iraq when if you just look at the emotion of the moment i was sad or pissed or whatever. 7 years ago when my enlistment came up i got the hell out of the army as fast as i could and thought i'd never look back. those five years of constant training for no real purpose drove me nuts. had i known what was to come 2 short years later, might i have stayed? quite possibly. i could go back on active duty tomorrow. walk into the recruiter's station and probably get a bonus out of the deal. i could stay reserve and volunteer for another mobilization. there's 2 groups from my unit going back to iraq in just a few short months. i could push people out of the way and possibly lead one of those groups with very little effort. it'd be rewarding and it'd make for a helluva year. but then what? what happens after the 20 years when i retire?
what's enough to dull the itch? if i forced myself through medschool and spent the following 20 years til retirement helping people would that help? had i actually followed the road to priesthood a decade ago would i be fulfilled today? does watching a kid mature and graduate and become a successful adult who contributes to society complete a person? starting my own business? police? EMT? firefighter?
it's like a drug. i don't know that the next fix needs to be bigger and bigger, but it needs to be there. that hit has to come from somewhere. is it being an andrenaline junkie? do you need that rush of succeeding under pressure? is it just serving? like i said, i could spend next year or the year after in the desert. both tours would sate the thirst for the year. while i was there and for a short time after i'd ride the buzz. well, if i wasn't stuck behind a desk the whole time. if i was interfacing with the youngsters and was showing them how it's done, feeling like i was passing on the knowledge and doing my part to grow good leaders. it's not a discussion you have with friends normally. but it'd be neat to find that 70 year old retired firefighter or cop or vet and ask him if he feels the tug. while writing this, the final scene from "saving private ryan" popped into my head. i don't think that self doubt is unique to him.
i'm not drunk right now, crying in my beer. i'm really fairly content in most ways. it was a full weekend. i got alot of work done, got some homework done. i'm listening to some lively jazz music on speakers that i spent a weekend rebuilding a couple of weekends ago. they sound so amazingly great, every piece of music i've pushed through them from jazz to rock, country to rap has sounded awesome. so there's a little back-patting going on.
but it doesn't compare to that feeling when you're completely exhausted from a full day of pushing yourself and succeeding and you're so tired you can't even bask in the moment. and you just love the feeling of the hot shower washing the effort away and the feeling of the cool sheets and the soft pillow as you're passing out.
8 comments:
I think you may be feeling the contrast of the extreme and the mundane. You went from something drastically different back to normal. Normal always seems less vibrant and maybe less satisfying.
I couldn't have said it better myself. Actually, I've been trying to say just that for months, but the words wouldn't come out that well.
I know exactly what you mean. To the letter. Well, kind of, I've never been to Iraq.
Personally, the conclusion I've come to is that it is the curse of the lazy overachievers. There is always something more to reach for, but it's hard to motivate myself off the couch to do it.
I think it's our 30s. I think it's something we go through... I know I have/am.... Just keep enveloping yourself in the little things. It's where you'll find the most contentment. Or, at least, it's where I do.....
Word everyone, Word.
Its examining what you have done and comparing it to what you could/will/won't/want/etc to do.
You have had an extraordinary opportunity to experience more in the last 7 years than most of us do in 20, and in that, there would have to be mental/emotional exhaustion and some confusion.
Great post. Great thoughts to ponder, but an even greater life to live. Yours.
wow!....gawd!...you wrote this down so perfectly!!
You hit on the answer in the middle of your post.
(If I forced myself through med school and then spent the next 20 years helping others out)
I think that's where it's at for you. You seem to me to be the type that needs to help others in order to feel total satisfaction. I know that's the way I am. I could never work in a field or profession where I felt I wasn't providing a real need. For example, you would never see me selling Jaguars for a living. No one needs a Jaguar, people just need a dependable car. I would feel utterly useless selling a $100,000 car to someone who expected me to kiss their ass at every turn to make the sale.
This is why I coach youth sports. Kids NEED me...as much as they need teachers, friends, and the like. This fulfills my need-based psyche and gives me the sense of global importance I need to feel like I'm making a difference.
Sounds to me like you need to identify a couple of things:
1) What is it that makes me truly happy?
2) How can I apply this thing in a way that I can better serve the community
3)Once you answer 1 & 2...go for it, and start on the road to helping others.
There is no shortage of needs in this country, as you well know. Get your butt out there and fill one of them.
JL4
Post a Comment