so once upon a time a buddy and i were walking down the street in some third world country. he and i were great friends long before we ever got to that little vacation spot, and we'd spent 2 or three months there, sleeping in the same tent. so we were able to have those long, comfortable silences because we already knew all the stories the other had to tell and were sick of the sound of each other's voice. we were armed, and so were the locals. there weren't alot of troops on the ground so we couldn't make people turn their weapons in because they legitimately needed them for protection. so you couldn't tell the good guys from the bad guys until they decided to shoot at you. you could only trust your fellow soldier to your right or your left and after a time, the distrust just made you resent all of the locals on some level.
i don't know why we were walking down the road, i don't remember where we came from or where we were going but we weren't in a hurry, which was good because it was hot as hell. we were happy to just be strolling, thinking our thoughts. a couple hundred meters ahead we saw one of the locals on a rooftop, he and his ak-47 silhouetted against the sun. my buddy cleared his throat and asked "do you know what i'm thinking?" and oddly enough i was certain i did. "that you could shoot that fucker right now and not have any problems sleeping tonight?" "yup."
i pride myself on my professionalism. i can't see myself ever actually doing that. and his professionalism puts me to shame. i strive to be more like him. there is no doubt in my mind that neither of us would ever arbitrarily shoot someone. but would that professionalism be the only thing that would keep me from doing it? or stop others from doing it? or would little things like catholic guilt, conscience, etc... kick in there at some point in time?
6 comments:
Real questions. Heavy but real. Not many of us are ever in a situation that allows us to evaluate ourselves in that light. Somewhere between the blending of instinct or social conditioning, I think you'll find your answers. Though they may not always be what you want them to be...
I just took an intense course in hostile environment training. While my Catholic sense of guilt would probably get to me, I feel like my fight or flight instict is in a heightened sense at this point. They pretty much want us to be on the offensive at any time, so maybe this was one of those "get him before he gets me" things. Weird things happen when you're in an unfriendly place with unfriendly people.
For just a second, I wasn't me. No, I was you. In your shoes. Strolling that street. And I felt a knot in my stomach. An uncomfortable knot balancing right and wrong, fear and calm.
Powerful essay, kiddo. Just when I was getting used to mix-master S, you downshift to some place deep. I need a drink.
Maybe this isn't what you want to hear but... does it matter if professionalism is all that keeps you doing it? As long as it does?
I mean... aren't sometimes laws all that keep people from doing something? What's the difference?
Frankly, I am just glad that men like you walk the line... I am not so sure that I could so it with as much clarity. Thank you.
A very honest dilemna borne of conscience and a whole lot of other very real emotions thrown into the mix, given where you are and what you have to do...
Everyone has commented so well on this, Sean. You really hit a nerve.
Hope that you have a yummy Thanksgiving --
Genuinely,
Loving Annie
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