today was my last day at work. it was really, really hard to keep from turning cartwheels down the hallway i was so happy. it was equally had to keep from flipping the bird with both hands at the boss. fortunately that professionalism thing kicked in.
this deployment isn't a bad thing. once we get through the stupidity and actually get in country i'll have a good time. i'll be doing hard, challenging work, i'll be working shoulder to shoulder with good people and when i come home i'll be proud of what we did. i know that. but just like the last two deployments, there's all sorts of feelings of dread late at night when i can't sleep. there are some goodbyes i REALLY don't want to say. then all the little things that i don't want to do without for the next year, and all of the nonsense that i know is going to come at us, fast and furious for the next couple months until we're firmly established and well into our routine.
i feel like i'm letting people down. there's so many things i thought i'd have time to do before we left. i always overcommit. there are computers i told people i'd fix for them. lots of unfinished projects at work that my co-workers are going to have to pick up the slack on. i didn't find a degree program to start on and the paperwork for that definately isn't finished. there's tons of projects around the house to do. i didn't get my car donated to a charity. i haven't mailed off any of the letters to creditors to explain my situation and invoke the soldiers and sailors civil relief act. i was going to help the next door neighbor look for a new car. i've been anti-social since i've been back and i've told plenty of people we'd get together for dinner or whatever and haven't seen them since before i left last time.
that back and forth, the ups and downs all compressed into such a short time frame is so hard to deal with. if they could just call me and say "hey, get your kit ready, you're shipping out in 72 hours" it'd be great. the months and months of thinking and explaining and answering questions... it's like standing on a cliff, poised to jump off into the water below. stand there and think about it too long and it gets harder and harder to make the leap. it's better just to walk up to the edge and take a quick second to figure out your approach, then take a step back and do it, without thinking.
9 comments:
I understand the sense of letting people down, even when you're doing what you're supposed to be doing. Whatever help I can give you, you have.
Don't forget to check in before you go.
Good for you for not flipping your boss the bird. :)
Can you accept care packages where you are going? So you won't have to be without too many of the good things while you are deployed?
I'm picturing you running down the hallway at work ripping things off the wall and screaming with pure joy...
YOu should have parked in the boss' parking spot on your last day. It's the passive aggressive version of giving him the finger, lol.
I have only one thing to say - you aren't disappointing a single person. I promise. Everyone understands. And if they don't now, they will later.
Take a deep breath, eat an extra serving of turkey and never forget that lots of people care about you. Including one who has ready access to Tastykakes.
Good for you keeping the bird in check. :) I think you are going above and beyond - the rest of everything can wait. You are in my thoughts...
I hate knowing there are loose ends I can't take care of, too. But just remember that you're human. And forgive yourself for not being able to be everything to everyone.
P.S. I'll send you a care package of midget porn and lube.
Don't be hard on yourself Sean, I feel as if there are not enough hours in the day to do all the things Id like to do and I am not even deploying anywhere..we do what we can do and you would be surprised that folks aren't nearly as hard on you as you think they are are or perceive them to be..you have tons of support and understanding..
Please do let us know where care packages can be sent to you and the folks you are with.
as always you are in my thoughts and prayers.
I feel like that most days, so you are not alone. Just want to say that what you are doing over there is greatly appreciated by myself and many others I am sure...gonna miss reading your blog though, or will you be able to blog? I hope so hope you had a great thanksgiving!
Oh and Samantha I like the way you roll girl lol
Haven't been by in a bit, but have been thinking of you. I am sure that no one is thinking you are letting them down. I think there are more of us that respect and appreciate what you are doing and realize it's more important then a lot of the daily 'little things'.
I've been thinking of you and I hope all is coming together for your deployment.
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